Dreams of what might have been
by Hihana
Summary: It wasn’t normal to feel like this, so weightless and loosened from reality. He couldn’t remember a time in the near past where he had felt like this. He didn’t know where he was but it didn’t matter anyway. CK Warning Yaoi! Read and Review!


Dreams of what might have been…

by Kassatsu Ryu

Genre  
after Advent Children, Romance,

Rating   
R – NC17

Disclaimer  
Not mine!

**Warning**

This story contains MALE/MALE romance. If you're offended by the fact that Cloud and Kadaj are getting it on, PLEASE LEAVE.

**Notes  
**This story is an Interlude to my companion pieces: Stream of Memories and Eternal Life, Eternal Memories. It can't be read as a standalone as there may be a bit confusion. So I recommend that you read the other fics first.

Be warned of SPOILERS! You should have at least played the game and seen the movie before reading this.

I love reviews so tell me what you think of the story.

**Dictation:**

**This story is a belated birthday Present for the lovely Azonia!**

Happy birthday sweetheart! I hope you like it.

onto the show….

Dreams of what might have been…

_  
Dream…._

**_A dream is the experience of imagined images, voices, or other sensations during _****_sleep_****_. Dreams often portray events which are impossible or unlikely in reality, and are usually outside the control of the dreamer. Many people report experiencing strong emotions while dreaming, and frightening or upsetting dreams are referred to as _****_nightmares_****_. The scientific discipline of dream research is _****_oneirology_****_.  
_**

It wasn't normal to feel like this, so weightless and loosened from reality. He couldn't remember a time in the near past where he had felt like this. He didn't know where he was but it didn't matter anyway. More important was that he was at peace. It felt like ages since he had been this content. Almost like he was floating but the tips of the grass beneath him caressed his sin and bound him to this world. Otherwise he may have gotten carried away.

And who was to fault for that? Humanity? The war?… Sometimes he couldn't really understand how Aerith could have loved this gruesome world. He wasn't sure if he could sacrifice his life like she had done.

In the last centuries he had come to despise most humans more than anything. The first war since the beginning of the golden age had broken out and the whole planet was caught in it. And for such a pathetic reason too.

A single argument between a Wutaian woman and another from old Midgar had triggered this. The reason why they fought had already been forgotten but the fighting continued. 

Why hadn't he joined the fighting?

He knew why but had still trouble admitting it. As Sephiroth had threatened the planet… there had never been a single doubt, but now…

Now it wasn't Sephiroth that was destroying the planet but humans. The ones Aerith had sacrificed her life for were now destroying what she was trying to preserve. It made him angry and at the same time he felt guilty though. The flower girl had died for him as well and he wasn't doing anything to stop her suffering.

Cloud was old enough to know that death was a necessary part of the planets circle. In order for the lifestream to live creature and humans alike had to die. But the dieing did not stop. It had been two years and still it didn't stop. The others were getting worried too. Vincent who had joined the Meteor only a few weeks ago was watching the proceedings with wary eyes. At the moment the quiet man had left for the coast to keep taps on the movements of the 'red' army.

Based on Vincent's information they would decide how they would proceed. 

Before the war the crew of the Meteor had worked as Mercenaries and on occasion they had hunted down criminals when a rather large bounty was placed on them. But since the start of the war they had retreated into the safety of the airship. With almost all of the crewmembers having families their safety took priority. 

Besides he wanted to scream at mankind. How dare they abuse the gift Aerith had given them! He wanted to let them rot and fight their own war.

"No, you would never do that, ne Nii-san."

Blue eyes widened and blond strands wiped in the winds as the young man turned around. His heart skipped a beat. It couldn't be, could it?

But there he was, standing a few feet away clothed in blue threadbare jeans and an oversized black wool pullover. Everything else was the same: The silver hair, that gave you the impression of being cut off with a hacksaw, the pale skin, those poisoning green eyes and the smile, that was lightening the whole face.

He seemed far younger than the mere 16/17 years Cloud knew him to be. And for a brief second he felt a sharp pain puncturing his heart at the thought of his part in the youths death. Suppressing the flinch he turned away briefly to compose himself. It had never been so hard for Cloud to keep his face calm, not even with Aerith.

To his own shock another emotion next to the guilt bubbled under his surface. The blue eyed man had almost forgotten how that particular emotion felt. In almost 100 years he hadn't felt it this intensive: desire! A desire he shouldn't feel.

He hadn't been celibate by any means. Growing up with SOLDIER had taught him much more than just fighting. Among those had been the subject of sexuality and for the naïve boy he had been, it had been a eye opener. Since those days more than a few centuries back sex had been part of his life like eating and sleeping. But now … there was this raw need again. And like this he had felt only once, more than a hundred years ago as he had kissed the young teen in the hotel room.

"Don't turn away from me."

Turning back Cloud nearly jumped. Kadaj's face was only two inches away from his own. Why had he heard the teen coming closer? Had he been that deep in thoughts? 

The teen was still smiling, the green eyes a shade lighter than he remembered. Jenova's influence was finally gone from them. As Kadaj had died he hadn't really paid attention to such small details. Those slim fingers framed his face and kept him from moving as Kadaj studied him. The green eyes were intense but the ex-SOLDIER could see hurt carefully hidden beneath other emotions. Had Kadaj seen the turning as rejection? He didn't know.

Hesitantly he lifted his arms but then stopped. He just couldn't hug the teen. The risk was too big, he couldn't…

This time Kadaj flinched visibly.

Cloud felt guilty but he couldn't bring himself to take the young man into his arms. The blinding smile had vanished and it now looked like it had never been there. The green eyes had clouded over and were cold as the winter in Nibelheim. 

"Still your enemy nii-san!"

Suppressing a wince Cloud closed his eyes and shook his head. Damn it why were his shoulders trembling like this. He had long since gotten used to the emotional cold he felt. So why now?

"Then why?"

But Cloud stayed quiet, lips parted but no sound escaped him.

"Why nii-san?"

Two slim arms enclosed him and Cloud found that he couldn't pull away. Kadaj may have looked fragile but he was strong enough to hold him in place without effort, Though if he really wished it he could have pulled away. And the blond man knew, that he wanted to stay in this arms forever.

"You're dead.. this isn't real."

Why was he acting like this? Was he this sad? Shouldn't he be happy to see Kadaj again?

"I'm dreaming and when I wake up you'll be gone.."

Abruptly Kadaj let him go. Cloud not prepared fell back onto the grass and watched as the teen passed in front of him like a trapped animal. If the blond man didn't know any better he would say that Kadaj was angry.

…

And angry Kadaj was. No he was downright pissed. He had thought that Cloud would understand, would know. After Aerith-kaasan he was the only one with such a deep connection to the lifestream. Why didn't he understand? 

The anger was gone and Kadaj felt only sad, felt like crying but he didn't instead he sunk to his knees in front of Cloud and grabbed one of the strong arms. Long fingers were placed on his chest and he could hear the blonde's strangled gasp but the silver haired teen didn't relent. He pulled Cloud only closer until he knew that his older brother couldn't only feel but also hear his heartbeat. 

"There.. I'm real. As real as I was in the Ancient City, as real as you kissed me in that hotel room and as real as I died in your arms."

Cloud flinched as Kadaj said that, he was old enough to understand the significance of death and the necessity, but it didn't make the acceptance any easier. Like with Aerith, he had trouble accepting the teen's death. The guilt had been buried deep inside his heart and now the sight of the platinum haired young man was enough to bring back everything. Kadaj must have guessed what he was thinking because pulled Cloud into an embrace again but this time he held eye-contact.

"Forget it. "

Then he closed the distance between them and sealed their lips together. Blue eyes widened before they snapped shut. It just felt so good. His hands framed the pale face and began to participate in this kiss. One he had yearned for since the day he had seen the teen on the cliff in the wasteland near Midgar.

Thoughts, reason and doubt were leaving the blond at a rapid place as his body reacted to the close proximity of the younger man. Sliding his fingers through the silvery traces he suppressed a groan. His body still remembered that one night vividly and it was showing.

It wasn't his nature to be embarrassed but in this situation he could feel the heat creeping into his face. Without a doubt Kadaj knew he was excited because the green eyed clone pulled away and smirked at him before pressing their bodies closer together. It seemed that the pleasure of meeting again was mutual. Blue eyes locked with green eyes before both of them almost synchronic began to rip each others' clothes off.

There was no uncertainty in Kadaj's movements, instead they held a certain grace. Had he gotten practise? It wasn't impossible, after all between their first and second meeting lay a little over six months. He wouldn't know but was definitely curious. In the current situation though, there were more important matters than the fact if the younger one had gotten experience after him or not.

Slim fingers glided under his sweater. Shuddering the blond pulled away and gripped the fuzzy edges of the pullover. The pale skinned teen understood immediately and lifted his arms so tat the offending article of fabric could be pulled over his head. Then the zipper of his shirt was pulled down and a pair of lips closed over his nipple.

Gasping the blue eyes rolled back and the lean body sank to the ground back arched. His fingers gripped the pale shoulders with bruising force, but the silver haired clone made no move to stop him. Shocks of electricity raced up his spine and Cloud suppressed a moan. The silence was perfect and he didn't want to disturb it.

Kadaj pulled away panting, he had never thought that meeting the blue eyed man again would free such an immense amount of emotions in his heart. But they were there, setting his body on fire with anticipation and desire. He had wanted this for so long and while he never regret leaving the world of the living behind he mourned the missed chance he had with the blond.

But now this wasn't important. He had to concentrate on the here and now because as real as he was. Cloud had been right with the second guess, he would leave again. And the blond would be left behind but before that there was something Cloud had to understand to realise. Otherwise he would stay here forever and never leave again.

In the past Aerith had always aided the blond but as much as she loved him in her own right. This was something he had to do, he just hoped that this was the right way. Because he knew his Nii-san and knowing him there was a 50 percent chance that the whole situation went wrong and out of control. There was no other way though and he hoped that in the end Cloud would understand his decision.

That was all he could do: hoping.

"Is my arm so interesting?"

Green eyes widened briefly and focused. Back from his internal worries and struggles Kadaj glanced at Cloud. Blue eyes were watching him with mirth and amusement. Had he been that deep in thoughts. Apparently but he couldn't tell his older brother what troubled him so he changed the topic.

"It's healthy. The last time I got a close look like this, it marked your death."

Kadaj wasn't surprised as Cloud remained motionless, the blond haired one had never had a problem with his own death. It were the losses of the ones he loved which hurt him more than anything else. The clone wasn't stupid; he knew that the blond was still feeling guilty for his role in his own death. Didn't Cloud realise that his death had been necessary for the planet to heal? Perhaps he knew perhaps not, it wasn't important in the long run but Kadaj wanted the young man to know that he didn't blame him as Aerith had never blamed him.

Blue eyes studied him intently before a sad smile graced the ex-SOLDIERs face.

"A necessary evil, ne?"

From beneath his silver bangs Kadaj studied his older brother faintly before nodding once. It seemed that Cloud understood, that thought made him feel better. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Looking at the bare chest in front of him Kadaj wanted to slap himself it would be hard and painful but not bad, besides he was fairly sure that he soon would feel very very good. 

"Hai."

Cloud dipped his head too before sighing. Looking his green eyed brother straight in the eye he asked him. 

"Why are you here?"

Kadaj didn't bother with lying, it was useless anyway. He loved the blond deeply and would never lie to him.

"Aerith and the others are worried about you."

"Why?"

"You've become cold Nii-san. Barely anyone of the ship or elsewhere is still close to you."

"They don't understand me."

"Vincent does."

Cloud stiffened and said nothing. And Kadaj knew immediately that he had hit a sore spot. His Nii-san was never a emotional person, passionate yes but never emotional. So therefore it wasn't surprising that the swordsman had noticed the gunman but he would never make a move or give the indication that he was interested. He would rather stay lonely forever.

"It's okay you know."

Now the blond looked confused and more than a little hurt even though the painful emotion was hidden behind layers of confusion but he caught it easily and frowned. Hurting his Ni-san was the last thing he had in mind but it was necessary to say it. Didn't he know that it was okay to love again.

Of course if he, Kadaj, had any say in it then the blond would be his for eternity. But that wasn't possible because planet had yet to allow him back into the land of the living and therefore he didn't know if he would see the blond again, at least while he was alive.

"You cannot stay lonely forever."

Another flinch and the blond sighed somewhat resigned. His bare shoulders slumping a bit.

"So the assumption of the old ShinRa doctors is true? I won't die."

Kadaj hated to give the blond bad news but lying was not an option. He simply nodded and watched as the shoulders slumped some more. In moments like this Kadaj's hate knew no bounds and the mad professor who was responsible should be happy that the lifestream protected him as all being were protected. Otherwise he would have met his eternal end by now.

"Cloud?"

He had only once before used his Nii-san's real name and he savoured it somewhat. Locking gazes with his Nii-san he tried to convey everything he and the ones who loved him felt as they watched him from afar. He had never been one for words. Those blue eyes looked at him with sadness for whom he didn't know but he never wanted to see his older brother so sad again. 

Slowly eyes still on the young man he leaned forward to kiss him again. This move might shatter everything; then regardless of how passionate their meeting had begun it certainly wasn't passionate now. Touching their lips together he prayed that he hadn't made a mistake.

He hadn't. Cloud reacted exactly not like he had imagined. Instead of pushing him away he was pulled closer. In fact so close that there wasn't an inch of space between their bodies. Air was sucked out of his lugs as he desperately returned the kiss. Rough hands were sliding over his back.

Pulling away blue eyes studied him again before they lit with an inner fire and the blond smiled slightly before pulling him close again and Kadaj decided to stop thinking for now and to enjoy the sensations the blond invoked in his body.

A hand cupped his jaw, tracing small imaginary lines before sliding down the neck and chest. The hand halted and he gasped as the fly of his jeans was opened. How long had he dreamed about this? Too long.

Lifting his hips he assisted in getting undressed. Time was running out he could tell and before he had to leave he wanted to share his soul was once more with the only person who understand him better than he did himself.

His pale fingers were frantic as he ripped the fabric of the blonds pants apart. This would be fast he knew and made no illusions about it. They both needed reassurance.

Finally all of the unnecessary fabric was gone and Kadaj took a quick moment to admire the older one. His heart cramped at the thought that soon someone else would worship this body. Ruthlessly he shoved the thoughts aside. Not now. Glancing at Cloud he parted his legs and wrapped them around the slim hips to grant better access.

Taking a deep breath he nodded and braced himself. Seconds later he felt as if his body was split apart before a ravenous fire of pleasure burned him. Green eyes rolled back and he screamed. Pleasure cursed through him, suddenly he was back in that filthy hotel room being pounded into a lumpy mattress.

He pressed himself back against the blond in a frantic pace, his hands were drawing blood as they broke the fair skin. Cloud suddenly shifted, hitting something inside of Kadaj which caused a rush of unbelievable pleasure to course through him like lightening.

The youth arched his back, taut as a bow. As the blond continued to hit that spot, Kadaj was writhing and screaming louder with every passing moment. Noises of pleasure escaped the older one as his hand left the teen's back and trailed down to grasp the painful erection the silver haired spurted. It over before he really realized it.

Green eyes shut in rapture and with a muffled sound he climaxed almost violently. A strange metallic taste entered his mouth and he realized that must have bitten his brother's shoulder. Pulling the older one as close as possible. A shout and his Nii-san found release too before collapsing on top of him. The ex-SOLDIER was heavier than he remembered but Kadaj hugged him even closer. Time was almost out and he wanted to savor the final moments.

The even breathing told him that Cloud had fallen asleep and on cue the blonde's sleeping form started to loose colour until only a shadow of him remained.

"Happy birthday Nii-san…"

Then the shadow faded and Kadaj was left alone in the field of grass. Wiping a tear away he stood suppressing a flinch. Stupid he should have thought of that, of course without preparation it hurt a lot more. Smiling to himself he decided that it was worth it and he didn't regret it for a minute. Looking around he put his jeans back on before pulling the pullover over his head.

"I think he understood."

Kadaj just nodded. Now they had to wait, but he was sure that the next time he would be seeing his Nii-san he wouldn't be lonely anymore. The pale skinned gunman, he would take care of Cloud.

"Good luck Nii-san."

Fin


End file.
